What's Next?

Today is my birthday.

 It means I won’t die at the age of 44.

 I have a new perspective on birthdays. I want to live 29 years more so my daughter will be old enough to live without me and I can hopefully hold my grandchildren. I have to fight for it, though.

I used to be—and ok, maybe am a little, still—embarrassed about getting older. I feel and generally act like I’m 30. I certainly dress that way sometimes although I can’t always pull it off quite as well. Personally, I still think I can but have been gently nudged away from the thigh high boots.

I’ve been anchoring the news since I was 22. People with children will sometimes approach me and tell me they’ve been watching my news since they were in kindergarten. That’s certainly an honor but I’m always left wondering when did I get so old? I guess I forgot to get a job somewhere else!

It’s nobody’s choice when they were born so it’s not our fault that we age. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck…just a little bit. I helped a young friend celebrate her 21^st birthday this weekend. We went to several bars in Missoula and not once was I carded. I would have really appreciated it.

I was watching an interview with Tom Brokaw’s daughter, Sarah. She was talking about getting older and how some of us may feel irrelevant as we age. Some of that feeling has to do with the milestones we think we should have reached by now but haven’t. She talked about experiencing our own lives on our own timetable and not what society expects of us. It’s hard not to compare ourselves with others and to wish for the things we never thought we wanted. My worst nightmare was going through a divorce. And yet I did. And then it was losing my health. And then I did. But I’m ok. I guess that nightmare threshold is either a moving target or we blissfully don’t know how bad it can get.

Maybe part of our tangy dislike of aging comes from wanting enough time to do it right after goofing it up. I can say my own false starts have led me to true love and a wonderful daughter neither was easy to get.

It’s eerie to consider I’ve probably already lived half my life and I wonder if the good parts are over. I sure hope not.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I, naturally, thought I was going to die immediately. I thought about leaving this all behind and decided I’m just not ready to leave yet and shouldn’t have to. There’s just so much out there still.

And now I have another year to go find it.

To Blog and Blog again

Here we are back again to blog. My previous official "KPAX" blog got nuked by the unseen 'higher ups' in the company but I think it's probably more a function of technology moving faster than we can  figure it out. No hard feelings.

When I last wrote, I was in the middle of 'canser' treatment. I spell it that way to teach it a lesson about messing with the wrong person. Read the book "Crazy, Sexy Cancer" for more on that.
 Breast cancer. ick. Now, my hair is growing back---almost good enough to ditch the wig  although I'm still too vain and I still look like I could knock you flat while drinking a shot of Jack Daniels, especially if i'm wearing a tank top.  Not exactly feminine is my point here. Kind of scary.
The chemo put ten pounds on me...I blame the chemo but it might actually be the six months of doing nothing but resting and eating that did it. My fingernails are getting back to normal after the Taxol messed them up...but i can feel an electrical charge in my feet when i shake my head a certain way. Odd. But if that's all I have to deal with, i'm good.

I remember at the beginning of the canser horror how I made a deal with God that I don't care what has to be cut off, if my hair never grows back or if I gain 100 pounds, I just want to live. It's funny how the vanity seeps back in. I know this experience has changed me but I can't figure out how yet. I haven't had that moment when I know everything is different and I am changed. Maybe it takes some time. It seems like everything in my life is back to the way it was before I faced death. That just can't be right.
Any of you cancer survivors feel that? And do you ever get over the fear that the cancer is coming back, even worse this time?

I'm going to post this now and see if it works!
See you on Tv
Jill